A Ship to Wreck
by FloreatCastellum
Summary: And good God, under starry skies we are lost... And into the breach we got tossed... And the water's coming in fast! Did I build this ship to wreck? (-Florence and the Machine) Padma/Astoria, for the Doomed Ship Challenge on Mugglenet FanFic. Warnings: Heavy alcohol abuse, mild sexual situations.


'I just like beautiful people…' she said, her bejewelled hands twisting above them. 'And you are very beautiful, aren't you, Padma?'

Padma said nothing, simply watched Astoria's pale hand dancing in the air above them, the metal of her rings catching the light from the chandelier. Beneath the wooden floor on which they lay, the thudding, buzzing hum of the party continued.

'I like beautiful things and beautiful people… And we should do what makes us happy, shouldn't we?'

'Your jewellery is beautiful,' said Padma. Immediately she felt herself blush. What was she doing here? It was her sister who understood fashion and beauty, it was her that had convinced her to come.

'I know,' said Astoria simply. She sighed slightly, and her hand froze. She wriggled her index finger. 'This one is my favourite. Diamonds are dreadfully dull, they all look the same, really. But opals… They're unique. Like your finger print.'

The stone on her finger was large, a swirl of calming greens and blues. Padma reached up too, and touched it. 'I learnt something about opals once,' she said. Astoria probably didn't want a history lesson, but the words tumbled out of her mouth before she could stop them, that incessant need to educate that had always annoyed Parvati. 'You need them to make invisibility cloaks. You wrap them in bay leaves, and then in the cloak itself, and then you do the charm, but the opal is vital. The stone takes the light and colour from whatever's touching it and traps it inside, creating invisibility, so when you extend it to the cloak…'

'You make it sound scary,' giggled Astoria. 'But it's beautiful.'

Padma turned her head. Astoria's cheeks were pink, hers surely were too, they had both drank so much. Their faces were very close, and Padma rather thought that Astoria's eyes were like opals too. 'Maybe the language is wrong,' she said. 'Maybe it's not trapping the light and colour, just keeping it, drinking it in.'

'I don't know why anyone would want to be invisible,' said Astoria.

'I quite like being invisible,' said Padma. 'I think I do… I'm always invisible next to Parvati.'

'What would happen if it wasn't wrapped in bay leaves?' asked Astoria. 'If you did the charm and just left the stone on the ground? Would it drink up the entire world?'

Padma opened her mouth to answer, but the door burst open. 'Ooops!' giggled the girl, stumbling in with a blearily grinning Roger Davies.

'Sorry, babes, but we have serious magazine work to discuss.'

Astoria gave an exasperated but glamorous smile, then rose gracefully, pulling Padma up too. 'At least we had our conversation on the floor, not on the bed,' she said teasingly to the couple, leading Padma by the hand out of the room.

The girl giggled again in response, and soon the door was slammed shut on them. Astoria took Padma downstairs, grabbing another flute of champagne from a tray floating at the bottom of the marble staircase.

'It's all very decadent, isn't it?' said Padma, taking a glass for herself.

The mansion sparkled with opulence, drunken witches and wizards stumbling over antique furniture, taunting oil paintings, kissing against tapestries and mahogany tables.

'Darling, it's an _Enchantress_ magazine party in the Greengrass family home, courtesy of my socialite older sister… It's decadent or nothing.'

Padma smiled, because she knew she was supposed to, but Astoria knocked back her champagne in one. 'Do you like working at the magazine?' Padma asked.

'I told you, I like beautiful things.'

'That's not what I asked.'

Astoria gave her a sly grin. 'You're much smarter than your sister.'

Usually protective over her twin, Padma let it slide. Even ugly truths were beautiful coming from Astoria's lips. 'You still didn't answer me.'

'Well, I don't like working for Daphne, I suppose. I like being the one in charge.' Her voice was husky, and Padma felt a jolt in her stomach. 'But I do enjoy meeting famous people, and seeing all the beautiful people.'

The people were indeed beautiful. All chiselled cheekbones and slender waists, willowy limbs and pouting lips. Parvati had always succeeded with makeup where Padma never had, so she was now included in the beautiful people too, but as she had firmly reminded Padma before they left: 'We were easily the hottest in our year at Hogwarts, and we're identical. So whining about how you look is only an insult to me.'

She felt old now, which was silly, really, only four years out of Hogwarts, but next to these pretty young things she felt more keenly than ever that her quiet nature meant that she had missed that fleeting period of youth where you could eat and drink and dance as much as you liked, and still look like a masterpiece.

Astoria, too, looked as though she were cut from marble, but it was Padma she had been staring at all night. Padma whose hair she had run her fingers through. Padma she had taken to lie on the bedroom floor to admire the fresco on the ceiling.

'Don't you like your sister then?'

'Daphne? No, not really. She takes all her politics way too seriously, all that pureblood stuff, like anyone cares anymore… And now she's got the magazine, and her boyfriend and all that nonsense…'

She clicked her fingers, and another tray floated towards them, shot glasses crammed into every inch of space.

'Oh, I couldn't,' said Padma quickly.

Astoria laughed. 'Of course you can. Come on… To beauty.'

The drink burned her throat and made her nose tingle, but soon the tingling was all over her body. Astoria led her to the ballroom, where a giant gramophone was blasting out The Weird Sisters. Padma's body felt light, and when she looked at Astoria she was sure that she was an opal, drinking in all the colours and keeping them for herself, luminous and alive with light, wrapped in green silk robes.

The lights danced too, and the world around them spun faster. Soon, her fingers were holding another small glass, Astoria's arm flung around her, and she was laughing, borrowing confidence from those around her.

Soon, Padma taught Astoria how to disappear, and stumbling to a dark corner together, the party around them faded into nothing.

'I can be beautiful,' Padma told her firmly, pushing her against the wall.

'You _are_ beautiful.'

They kissed, softly and then urgently. Padma's waist felt small with Astoria's hands on either side, the cloudiness in her head elating her spirits. Underneath her lips, Astoria sighed like the sea.

***

The next morning, Padma awoke on the floor, disorientated by the unusual angle of the room as she lay half in the doorway to a bedroom. Her head was ringing, and as her eyes adjusted she could see that she was unlikely to be the only one. The room was littered with clothes and sleeping, half-dressed witches and wizards. The intricately designed wardrobe had been pushed over at one point, and the rich furs and fine silks had spilled out onto the floor, making a make-shift bed where her sister, Romilda Vane, and a handful of others had curled up.

She stood, placing a hand on the door frame as she stumbled slightly, and running the other through her hair. She felt confused and blearily remembered more drinks after she had kissed Astoria, more dancing, more shouting and laughing, and then still yet more drinks…

She looked over at the bed, but only Daphne Greengrass and other girls were there. She stumbled out to the bathroom, leaning against the sink and breathing heavily before splashing cold water on her face. She felt too hot, longed for coolness, and in her still somewhat-drunken state, sat on the edge of the bath and then carefully lowered herself in.

The porcelain was cold and smooth on her cheek, and it reminded her of Astoria's skin. She found herself grinning. Last night had been the best of her life, she'd felt like a completely different person. Confident, fun-loving, sexy. Nobody had ever brought her out of her shell like that before; she had always been permanently in the shadow of her braver, louder, assertive sister. Padma had always been the watered-down version… No doubt this was why at the Yule Ball Parvati got the hero while she got the sidekick. Though by then she'd suspected that she'd have rather taken Lisa Turpin…

The door burst open, but she was lying so low in the bath that the intruder didn't notice. She heard a deep, low voice, and then a familiar giggle. _Astoria_.

She couldn't see, and certainly did not want to be seen lying in an empty bath (why was she doing this? Such an odd thing to do), but from the fumbled clatter she guessed Astoria was standing by the sink, perhaps reaching for a toothbrush or brushing her hair, or reapplying that bright lipstick she'd had on last night…

'…Was absolutely smashed,' came the low voice. With an odd sense of dread in the pit of her stomach, Padma realised it was Malfoy.

Astoria giggled again. 'Merlin, I know, I couldn't stop laughing at him, but I suppose everyone was, weren't they? I certainly had fun,' she said proudly.

'I bet you did…' Malfoy said teasingly. 'I felt quite lonely, personally, not working for the magazine and all that.'

'Oh, shut up, Draco, I'm sure you were quite happy with all these stunning girls around,' replied Astoria in faux-annoyance. A tap briefly ran, and soon Padma could hear her brushing her teeth.

'I'm sure you were too.'

There was the sound of a playful smack and Malfoy sniggering and leaving. There was an odd feeling in Padma's chest that she couldn't quite place. It had reminded her that Astoria had been in Slytherin, something she'd forgotten in all the colourful excitement last night.  
A shadow fell over her, and a confused little cough. She sat up to see Astoria looking at her with bemusement, her blue eyes glinting in the dim light.

'Odd place to fall asleep,' she said.

Padma could feel herself blushing. 'Er, yeah… I…' But she couldn't think of an excuse.

'I could have sworn when I got up ten minutes ago to get some water, you were lying next to me near the bedroom door.' Her grin was as mischievous as it was infectious.

'I did wonder where you were… I can't even remember how we got there. Did I do anything stupid? Did I say anything silly?'

Astoria gave a wink, and left. 'Your sister's downstairs having breakfast,' she called over her shoulder as she vanished down the corridor. 'She says she wants all the gossip.'

***

She waited anxiously outside the offices of the magazine, a trendy looking place just off Diagon Alley, wondering if it was all a big joke. All those books she'd read, she thought bitterly, hundreds and hundreds of them and not one of them had taught her how to dress properly. She'd agonised for ages, asking Parvati for advice until she got too suspicious, before settling on robes of robin-egg blue, the sleeves of which she now picked at fretfully.

It was early October, so already dusk was falling and her breath was coiling in front of her. She wanted to fold her arms against the cold, but her mother had always taught her that it was unflattering. Finally, the door opened, warm orange light streaming against the damp cobbles, and Astoria hurried out.

'So sorry, darling,' she said. She must have a slight cold, Padma thought. Her voice was hoarser than usual, and she looked a little glum. 'I hope you haven't been waiting long?'

'Not at all,' she lied.

'Fab, let's head off then,' Astoria replied breezily. 'Love the Ravenclaw colours.'

'Thank you,' said Padma, though now she wished she'd worn green. 'I like your necklace. Opal again?'

'Naturally,' Astoria replied. They began to walk into Diagon Alley, and to Padma's delight, Astoria took her hand.

Heart aflutter, and emboldened by Astoria's natural charisma, she began to tell Astoria all the other things she'd learnt about opals since the party.

'…And in Australia, some Muggles found the skeleton of the dragon Orville the Ostentatious turned to opal, and they've put it in a museum but the Australian Ministry enchanted it to look like an opalised dinosaur fossil, and—Oh!'

She had thought they had been going out for drinks alone, but by the shiny brass bar, a group of girls Padma remembered being in Slytherin waved at them merrily. This was good, she supposed, as she was introduced to them. Clearly Astoria valued her enough to introduce her to her friends.

Yes, she thought later, as the gillywaters kept on coming. Yes, this was very good indeed. She almost fit in, she almost felt comfortable, Astoria clearly saw her as a sociable person, and this was good. She had to make sure that she kept on viewing her as lively and colourful as she had been at the party.

Last orders were called some hours later, and they tittered as they fell out of the pub, picking their way across the cobbles in their heels like trapeze walkers.

'Where to now?' asked one of the girls.

Home, hopefully, Padma thought. She hadn't eaten and she felt sick, and she'd been in the middle of a fascinating book—

'I've got something arranged, babes, don't you worry,' said Astoria smoothly. 'We'll need to get the bus though, because I'm too—Ooop!'

They all burst into laughter as the usually graceful witch fell hard onto her bum, Padma barely keeping steady herself as she helped her up. It endeared her to her; Astoria was letting her see her undignified side, surely a sign of their closeness. She was so enraptured and giggly, she didn't really register the destination Astoria gave to the Knight Bus conductor.

It was only as they were shrieking and running up the lawn away from a particularly aggressive peacock that she thought to ask whose house they were at, because it was grander, even, than the Greengrass mansion.

'Draco's,' Astoria slurred. 'Daphne's boyfriend. Course, he prefers me, you know.'

Padma laughed. Like the rest of the D.A., she'd never liked Malfoy, and the thought of him chasing after Astoria when she was clearly uninterested in men…

Malfoy let them in, his parents exchanging exasperated glances, then retiring upstairs. Padma found it extremely odd that she was there; her teenage self would have been horrified at the company, but somehow when it was Astoria, it was so easy to forget the bad things she knew Malfoy and some of the other Slytherins had done, so easy to ignore the moral high ground and enjoy, for once, being one of the popular kids. She sat in an armchair, Astoria sat across her lap with her long legs hooked over the arm, playing drinking games and sniggering about how Malfoy was staring.

That night, they slept together. Silently, quietly, in the darkness, because it seemed wrong, in the guest bedroom of someone else's house. Astoria kept her necklace on, and it caught the white moonlight from the window, gleaming green and blue like the depths of a treacherous sea.

***

'You're joking?' gaped Parvati, holding the tinsel in her hand. 'Astoria? Greengrass?'

'Yes,' admitted Padma. 'Do you think the tree looks straight to you?'

'Never mind the sodding tree! You can't drop a bombshell like that on me and not expect me to be shocked, it doesn't make any sense.'

'You know I like girls,' said Padma casually. 'Mum and Dad still don't, though, so please don't mention it when we're having Christmas dinner.'

'Not the fact that she's a girl, you're just both so different. She's… She's…' Parvati looked flustered.

'Fun?' said Padma coldly.

'Well, yes, actually! Fun, and loud and confident, and not bookish at all.'

'I know, and when I'm with her, I'm all those things too,' said Padma happily. She swished her wand, and an ornament floated up and gently hung itself on the tree.

Parvati's face was odd… She looked almost sad. 'You're fine the way you are,' she said quietly. 'How long has this been going on for, anyway?'

'Since that party at her house.'

'For… For the winter issue? Merlin, Padma, how have you kept this secret for so long? That was in September!'

Padma shrugged. 'I thought you'd be all judgey about it, and you were.'

'I'm not being judgey!' she insisted, looking highly offended. 'I'm just trying to work out how I haven't noticed that my twin's been hanging around a bunch of Slytherins.'

Padma rolled her eyes. 'Oh, please, aren't we a bit past all that? Even Harry was going on about how bad it was all the Houses were so divided the other week.'

Parvati shook her head. 'Yeah, and Ron told him he was being a muppet. In case you didn't realise, there was not a single Slytherin there. Your new girlfriend wasn't in the D.A., was she? Probably helped the Carrows too, I expect.'

'That's not fair,' Padma snarled, feeling very defensive. 'She was only fifteen then, and it was a different time, attitudes have changed now.'

Parvati scoffed. 'Oh, I'm _sure_ they have.'

'They have! She's not prejudiced, Parvati!' She looked at her twin in disgust. 'You _know_ her, you introduced us!'

'Yeah, and she's fine at work, and at a party. But I know what you've done. You've built her up in your head. Convinced yourself she's an angel, put her on a pedestal. It doesn't matter to you that she's completely different in every way, she's pretty and she makes you feel good, so you've decided you can change for her.'

Padma was now pointing her wand at her sister, red sparks flying out the end. 'I've barely spoken about her,' she hissed. 'You don't know anything about her, or how I feel about her—'

'But I know _you_ , and I know how you act, you've done this before—'

'Maybe it's a good thing I change! Why's it fine for you to go out and party, but terrible when I do it?' Her eyes felt hot now, and her voice was breaking slightly. 'She makes me feel completely different, she makes me feel happy, and popular, and—'

'Merlin, you sound like a teenager,' snapped Parvati.

'Why can't you just be happy for me?' The tears were falling now, and disappointment and shame were welling up inside her.

Parvati looked defeated. 'Fine,' she said. 'Fine, I'm sorry. As long as you're happy… But make sure you're happy, Pads, yeah?

***

She couldn't believe they were moving in together. After so many months of hurried kisses at bars and secret stays at the Leaky Cauldron, finally they had a place of their own.

'I'll be able to look at your beautiful face every morning,' said Astoria, Levitating Padma's books out of a heavy-looking box. 'And we can decorate this place exactly as we want it—'

'Yes,' said Padma excitedly. 'Fresh flowers on the windowsill—'

'And marble countertops in the kitchen—'

'Oh! We could grow herbs in there!'

Astoria smiled, and kissed Padma softly. 'Let's go and see the bedroom,' she said. The bedroom was spacious, with a perfect alcove for Padma's books, but Astoria had hurried across the room to pull open a sliding door to a balcony, which looked out across the quaint streets of Upper Flagley. 'Look at it, look at that view! I bet we could get a lovely glass table out here too, for breakfasts…'

***

'What was it like, in the battle?' asked Astoria quietly one lazy Sunday morning.

Padma rolled over sleepily, the white sheets rustling like the sails of a ship. 'What?'

'I was evacuated, so I didn't see any of it.'

'Lucky you,' yawned Padma, sitting up. 'Let's talk about something more cheerful.'

'We're writing an article about it,' continued Astoria thoughtfully. 'For the fifth year anniversary, you know. We've got some of the photos that Colin guy in the year above me took, they're quite beautiful.'

'Beautiful? The battle was hardly beautiful.'

Astoria looked a little alarmed. 'Oh, no, I mean, I didn't mean it like that! I only meant, because of all the spells and stuff, they're all filled with so much colour, and he was such a good photographer. Obviously the content's horrific, but the photos themselves—'

'Are not beautiful,' Padma finished for her firmly. 'They can't be. Let's talk about something else…'

'It's all right if you don't want to talk about it,' said Astoria gently. 'But we do want to interview someone, and I wondered if you had anyone in mind…?'

'Can't you just ask my sister? She was there too.'

'Yes… We wanted more than one person though… Never mind, you're right, it's a bit depressing. I'll get breakfast, shall I?'

***

She was too old for this, she decided, holding herself steady against the brick wall of the Three Broomsticks. Beside her, Astoria laughed and shouted over at a friend, rubbing a comforting hand on Padma's back.

'Are you feeling any better, darling?' she asked, grinning widely down at her.

Padma simply groaned. 'Can't we just go home…?'

Astoria laughed. 'Don't be silly, we promised each other we'd watch the sun come up!'

Padma closed her eyes and nodded, straightening herself up. 'You're right, you're right, we did… But, please, no more wine…'

'Spoil sport!' She smiled radiantly. Her Sleekeazy hairspray had worn off, and her updo had fallen a little and become messy, but Padma loved the wispy tendrils. Astoria pulled Padma's arm over her shoulders and unsteadily supported her as they walked down the deserted road, a little separate from their group.

'Aren't we going up to the hill with the others?' asked Padma.

'No, I want it to be special, just for us,' said Astoria. 'We're going this way…'

She led her along a dirt track Padma had never seen before; a remarkable thing considering her many Hogsmeade trips over the years. They kept walking and walking, an increasing incline making her calves ache, and with every step the alcohol in her stomach sloshed uncomfortably, she was tired, there was nothing more she wanted to do than lie down and sleep…

'Here,' said Astoria with a flourish. 'Isn't it pretty?

It was pretty, looking out over the grounds of Hogwarts, the castle in the near distance, the dark shimmer of the lake seemingly below them. Soon, the dim night time fell down to daylight, the dawn descending in a blaze of gold, making the lake water glisten like a jewel.

The women held each other, watching out in silence. Padma couldn't help but think about the last time she had seen the dawn at Hogwarts, and an old grief stirred inside her.

'Isn't it wonderful?' sighed Astoria. 'I could do this every day, couldn't you?'

'Yes,' Padma lied.

'I love you, Padma. So much.'

'I love you too.'

***

'But I can't, I feel like shit…' she said wearily, running a hand through her hair. 'I don't have the energy, you go…'

Astoria stomped around angrily, searching the bedroom with such vehemence that Padma wondered if she was really looking, or whether she was just throwing things around. 'You never come to these things any more, you never want to go out—'

'I _do_ , but we've already been out this week, and I have work tomorrow—'

'So do I! We don't have to get plastered you know, we can just have one or two drinks. And where is my sodding clutch? It's probably under all your stupid books, can't you find a place to put them?'

'Don't be like that,' said Padma sharply. 'Who are you going out with, anyway?'

' _We_ are going out with the usual bunch, Draco and that lot. Come on, get up, find something to wear.'

'I'm not going,' said Padma firmly. 'You've been spending loads of time with him since he split up with Daphne.'

'So?' She pouted like a child.

'So, it's weird. Doesn't she get annoyed that you hang out with her ex?'

'I don't care if she does, she's horrible. He's realised that and ditched her. Why, are you worried?'

'No,' said Padma hesitantly. 'You do like men as well, though.'

Astoria scowled at her. 'Cheers. Who do you think I am, exactly?'

Padma closed her eyes. 'No, sorry, I didn't mean that—'

'Save it,' Astoria muttered. 'I need some air.' She stalked across the room and opened the sliding doors to the balcony. Padma followed, apologising weakly. Above them, the summer night sky was starry and clear, but Astoria had closed her eyes to it, leaning against the iron railing, breathing deeply and slowly.

'I'm sorry,' Padma repeated.

'Why have you never introduced me to your friends?' Astoria demanded. 'Maybe you'd want to go out more if they were your friends.'

Padma felt rather taken aback. Astoria had never expressed this desire before. 'We can meet my friends, if that's what you want.'

'It's just, sometimes you go off with Parvati to your little D.A. reunions, and I'm never invited.'

'Well… You weren't in the D.A…'

'So they think I'm some evil Death Eater, is that what you're saying?' Her scowl was fierce, but Padma just felt lost.

'No, don't be silly—'

'You're ashamed of me!' Astoria shouted, her eyes welling with tears. 'I know you are, you think I'm some stupid little girl who just goes out drinking all the time. I'll never be as sensible as you, I just won't, I'm sorry!'

'What are you talking about? I don't think that—'

'You do! You won't introduce me to your famous friends because even when they work out I'm not a Death Eater, you'll still just have to tell them that my only interests are things that are—are shiny or whatever—'

'I can't introduce you to my famous friends because you'll try and write an article about them,' snapped Padma.

Astoria looked like she'd been punched. 'Is that what you think of me? Really?'

'The only bit of your job you like is meeting famous people, you told me that yourself, the first time we met,' said Padma. 'You've already got loads of friends, why are you so desperate for more? You just want to interview them, so you can get a job that's not working for your sister.'

Astoria shook her head, stunned. 'I like meeting people. I like parties. You knew that when you met me. I thought you liked it too, but all you ever want to do is sit around at home—'

'I don't have as much energy as you, that's not my fault, look, you don't understand—'

'Stop trying to educate me!' she shouted. 'Stop trying to make me understand and learn and stop lecturing me—'

'Well if you just listened to me and didn't—'

'Good God, what has happened to us?' cried Astoria. She stared at Padma helplessly. 'I still love you, but I just don't like you anymore. You… You only seem to like me when we're drunk.'

Padma was crying too now. 'I just can't keep it up. I wanted to be like you, Astoria, I really did. I really tried.'

Astoria shook her head. 'Who do you think I am? What were you trying to be? Did you ever see me beyond that?'

Padma felt nothing but misery in her heart. 'You were everything I wanted to be.'

Astoria wiped away the tears from her face, and straightened herself up. 'I'm going out now,' she announced carefully. 'We'll… We'll talk more later.'

She left, and Padma returned to the bed, sobbing into the pillow. She saw it all now, and the more she thought about it, the more she knew it was over, completely lost. Their argument had unleashed every tiny concern, every speck of doubt, drank it all in and then thrown it all together in a perfect storm, and they had bounced from problem to problem without ever understanding each other. The agony of her love for Astoria was more painful than anything she had experienced, something like grief, and all she could do was imagine her life without her, completely alone, wrecked in an opal sea.


End file.
